How to Make a Billion Dollars - The Final Chapter

The Final Chapter

Congratulations, you've almost made it! There’s only one last step to becoming a wealthy, independent billionaire. All you need to do is take the final test to prove that you have truly absorbed the knowledge given to you in this book, and applied it to your real life.  Then, and only then, will you be capable of making a billion dollars. I can feel how excited you are, and it’s making me very excited. Too excited, actually. I can hardly write this I’m so excited. Please calm down so that I can finish this chapter. No, seriously, calm down right now. Okay, that’s better.

Now, for the test. It is a single, multiple choice question. If you get it right, you will know you have the heart of a billionaire. Simple, right? Easy, right? I think so. But if you get it wrong, god forbid, you will be a complete and utter failure. So don’t get it wrong, okay? I will provide the correct answer at the end of this chapter. Okay here it goes.

Final Test

A wise man once said, “Hey! Can you come shake this spider outta my boot?! There’s a spider in my boot and last week I got stung by a big ass fuckin’ bee! Can you believe that? A bee flew in there and stung me right on my big toe.  Heh, I guess that’s whatcha get when you don’t check your boots. Hey Hun, you hear me?! There’s this big ass spider in my- Oh wait, nevermind it’s just a gummi worm.  Nevermind babe.’

‘How the hell did a gummi worm get in my fuckin’ boot? Damn, I really gotta get my eyes checked. Fuckin’ Billy must’ve been messin’ ‘round in my candy stash again. Hey Billy! You been messin’ ‘round in my candy stash again?! I told you last week no more messin’ ‘round in there! You ate all my fuckin’ Rolos and I was savin’ em for a special occasion. And now I found one of my gummi worms in my fuckin’ boot. Those things cost three bucks and I don’t want ‘em goin’ to waste. You hear me Billy!’

‘You givin’ me the fuckin stink eye now?! Hey hun, Billy’s givin’ me the fuckin’ stink eye! Yeah, that’s right Billy. I just told her you were givin’ me the stink eye. I’ll wipe that fuckin’ eye right off your face, you ever give me that look again. Alright, I’m off to work. Just gotta slip on these here boots and I’ll be- OUCH! Godamnit! Somethin’ really did bite me this time. Let me check my boots. Oh no. Oh dear lord no. Hey babe, call an am-bu-lance! A fuckin’ stink bug just stung me on my foot. Oh lord the world is spinnin’. Who the hell is allergic to fuckin’ stink bugs anyways? Oh lord I can feel my face swellin’ up now. Billy, don’t just stand there laughin’ and pointin’. Go into the bathroom and grab my pills. Hurry Billy, you fat sumbitch!’

‘I can’t breathe, my throats gone-done swelled up. Lord I can’t hardly breathe! Hey hun, tell ‘em to hurry up. I can’t hardly breathe and fuckin’ Billy ran off with my pills. Damn the world is spinnin’.  My eyes are all swelled up. I can’t see no more! Fuckin’ stink bugs. My minds goin’ all fuzzy. Hey….babe...tell my parents...I...love...’

Question: How overweight was Billy?

(please circle only one)

A) Mildly Obese

B) Severely Obese

C) Malnourished

D) Healthy young boy

E) Healthy Mildly Obese young boy

F) Severely healthy

G) Severely Boy

H) Proper weight

I) both A and B

J) Both F and G

K) Both I and J

L) All of the above

M) None of the above

N) Both L and M

O) 65 Pounds

So How Did You Do?

The correct answer is ‘F’ - Severely Healthy.  Did you get it right? If you did, it means you cheated, and cheaters never prosper. Sorry my friend, but you are a failure. Did you get it wrong? You clearly aren't ready for the exciting life that a Billionaire would live. I’m sorry to say, but you are a failure.

Unfortunately, that is all the knowledge I can give you. If you haven’t learned how to make a billion dollars by now, you never will. You’ll just have to cope with the fact that you are a failure. But that’s okay! Because, as fate would see it, I have also written a great book, ‘How to Cope With Being a Failure’. And you can purchase it for the low, low price of only $300.00! What are you waiting for?? Operators are standing by!

2013 and Boxer-Briefs

Revelations

The biggest revelation I had in the year 2013 was that boxers are not an acceptable undergarment for a male in his mid-late 20’s. This news came as a shock to me. How many girls have been secretly laughing at me this whole time whenever I disrobe? How many girls have been judging me based on my choice of underwear? Well, actually I can tell you how many girls and it’s really not that many at all. My second biggest revelation of 2013 is that boxer-briefs make me look way more in-shape than I actually am. Where as boxers make me look at the same time overweight and malnourished, boxer-briefs somehow transform my strange body into what I imagine Channing Tatum looks like with his pants off.  

Pictured Above: Me in Boxer-Briefs

2013 was also the year that I went from being a poor college student, to a poor college graduate. And I must say, after all is said and done, it definitely feels pretty much exactly the same. Except now when I see trailers for movies based off of Jane Austen novels, I’m slightly more excited about them.

Regarding Love

I saw one of my best friends get married, and I realized that weddings aren’t that bad after all, as long as you have a trunk full of booze that you can run away to every hour, on the hour.  

At the wedding, I gave a glorious speech to a crowd of close friends and family members of the couple. In my drunken haze I stood up, grabbed the microphone, and slurred exactly this:

Travis and me were roommates once.  One time I got home from work and looked in the pantry and realized that we were all out of ramen.  Thank you.  

The speech was met with confused applause.  

As for me, I went on approximately 2 and ¾ dates.  Once, I took a girl out for sushi, another time i took a girl out for pizza. And then 3 other times I went out for drinks, and was unsure as to whether or not they were actually dates.  All in all, it was a pretty good year for love.

Fairly accurate depiction of me at a bar

Life Changes and The Future

I vacuumed my room once. That was pretty intense. I forgot how loud vacuum cleaners were. This year I plan on vacuuming at least twice.  Because I’m getting older, and mature adults vacuum their rooms.  I also bought a pair of socks that weren’t solid black, or solid white. It was a very confusing experience as I paced the sock wall of American Apparel. I later had to ask my friend if there was such a thing as ‘guys socks and girls socks’.  

Exactly what I was looking for

My New Year’s Resolution was going to be to spend money more wisely. Or to get in shape. Or to stop drinking as much. But those are such bullshit resolutions, and I know it. So my resolution is actually something private that I am not going to share with the world. And when I say, ‘the world’, I mean the 17 people that are going to read this.

I Don't Like Your Baby

I Don’t Like Your Baby

I’ve got some really bad news for you. Some soul-crushing news. Yes, you, with the baby. The one that keeps shoving your child’s life in my face. Are you sitting down? Okay, here it goes. I don’t care about your baby. I don’t think it’s cute in any way. No matter how many times you share a photo of your newborn with me, I will never find it adorable. Because it’s not my baby, it’s yours. It’s that same feeling I get when someone tells me about a REALLY good meal they had.

“Oh my god! I just had the best ramen! It was so good, but there was so much of it. I couldn’t even finish the whole bowl! Wow, it had eggs, and all these goodies in it. It was so good!”

Yum

Really? I’m really happy for you, but I honestly don’t care one bit about what you ate, because you see, I didn’t eat it. I didn’t taste any of the food that you enjoyed.

Did I just compare your baby to a bowl of delicious ramen? Yes. Yes I did. I’m sure you love your child. And I honestly believe that you think it is the most beautiful baby to ever grace the planet earth. But I don’t love your baby. I probably think your baby is ugly. It would be weird if I loved your baby as much as you do. It would be even weirder if I had as much enthusiasm for your baby photos as you do. Don’t you think?

Here’s what is acceptable to post on your instagram, or facebook, or whatever, when it comes to your baby:

1) A baby less than 3 days old - Did you just have a child? That’s a beautiful, wonderful thing. It’s a gift from the heavens and you should share it with the world. Make phone calls, send picture messages, put it up on the internet. Congratulations are definitely in order.

What you shouldn’t do: Post 45 pictures of your newborn child to instagram. They all pretty much look exactly the same. And after the 27th photo you are running the risk of annoying everyone. Look, it’s fine to take a billion pictures of your baby, but just put them in a scrapbook or something.

Meh

2) Birthday’s/Holidays - Is it your baby’s 1st birthday. Are they trying to eat cake but getting the frosting all over their face? That’s so cute! Take a snap and post that mofo ASAP. Is it Christmas morning, and did your baby just attempt to open up a little gift from ol’ Saint Nick? Lovely, shoot me an email with that cute little booger!

What you shouldn’t do: Is your baby eating something at any other point than on its’ birthday? Might want to think twice before sharing that with the world. The amount of enthusiasm I have for seeing your child eating is about the same amount of enthusiasm I have for watching anyone else in the world eat. Again, snap as many photos as you want. Save them to your computer, put them in a photo album. I would do the same thing. But I wouldn’t flood the internet with 12 photos of my baby eating spaghetti. Because first of all, it’s gross.

Nope.

3) Graduation - Is your baby no longer a baby, but instead graduating from college? Great! It’s been about 25 years since I’ve last seen a relevant picture of your child, and I’m really interested in what he or she has been up to. Also, congrats! Graduating from college is a pretty big deal!

I apologize if I have offended you. It was not my intention. I just thought you should be aware of the hundreds of people you are annoying on a daily basis with all of the pictures of your baby. Think of it as a public service announcement. Let’s say you’re walking around all day with a giant shit stain on the back of your pants. Wouldn’t you want someone to let you know that there is something pretty embarrassing back there? Of course you would.

Food Reviews With Jonathan Miller: Zataran's Chicken and Sausage Gumbo

A True Cajun Delicacy

Zataran’s Microwaveable bowl is a treat for the mouth and a feast for the eyes. Gumbo, for those of you that don’t know, is a cajun dish kind of like soup with all sorts of goodies in it. This particular gumbo has sausage, rice, even this stuff called oprah! Oprah is a green slimy vegetable that sounds pretty gross if you think about it, but it’s actually quite good. I typically only like soup with chicken and/or noodles in it but let me tell you, I was pleasantly surprised with the quality and authenticity of Zataran’s gumbo! If you’ve ever been to New Orleans, you know that people there eat gumbo pretty much for every meal. I’m sure that if you replaced their everyday gumbo with this gumbo, they wouldn’t even be able to tell a difference!

First of all, the packaging is what caught my eye at the store. It is bright red and overall very colorful. I’m sick of packaging not being colorful. I don’t want to eat food with packaging that has no color! I’m a pretty outgoing person and enjoy lots of different colors, and Zataran’s gumbo was just what the doctor ordered. After you take out the bowl from the packaging, it becomes a little sad because the bowl itself is just plain black. I felt a little betrayed because the packaging was so colorful. Definitely going to have to dock it some points for that one. It is covered in a layer of plastic and you are instructed to create a slit down the middle before cooking it. This is also where the item stumbles a little bit. Me, like most other Americans, only own plasticware. I usually can’t afford to buy the kind with knives included, so all I have is plastic spoons. As you can imagine, it is pretty difficult to cut things with a spoon. Helpful tip, if you turn the spoon around you can stab at the plastic film with the handle. It works pretty well in my honest opinion.

Cooking the bowl can be a fairly daunting task if you don’t know what you’re doing. I consider myself to be really great in the kitchen, and even I had some trouble. First you have to put it in the microwave, pretty simple right? Well then halfway through you have to STOP and take it out of the microwave to stir it! Give me a break!! When I was taking the bowl out I touched the bottom on accident and almost burned myself. If you ask me, there should at least be some sort of warning on the container at the very least. After that you put it back in the microwave you have to start it again and wait for it to be done. A little confusing, and i’m definitely going to have to dock it a few more points for that.

The bowl is bursting with flavor. You can almost taste the New Orleans streets with every bite you take. I wouldn’t be surprised if Zataran himself made this gumbo in his basement! It is also kind of spicy, and I like to eat pretty spicy stuff. About halfway through I had to open another Mr. Pibb just to get the fire out of my mouth! Also, it isn’t nearly salty enough, and I had to go into my personal salt stash to give it that extra, BAM!, as Emeril Lasagna would say.

Overall, despite my complaints, Zataran’s Sausage and Chicken Gumbo With Rice is a near perfect dish for any occasion!

Movie Reviews with Jonathan Miller - There Will Be Blood

There Won’t Be Blood

There Will Be Blood stars a man with a moustache, I think it’s the same person that played in that movie Quigley Down Under. Yes, Tom Selleck. Anyways, he plays some sort of coal miner or something and it takes place way back in the day. This movie follows his travels around the country digging around and eventually going hunting with his son. It was regarded as one of the best films of that year, but I cannot understand why.

First of all I’m really sick and tired of movie studios tricking the audience by trying to sell a movie as bloody. There was little to know blood in the entire thing. At the end, sorry spoilers, Tom Selleck and this weird boy go bowling and I guess they get upset with each other because maybe one of them crossed over the line. So he goes to the boy and starts throwing bowling balls at him! I know, what the heck does this guy not even know how to play bowling? I’m pretty good at it. I usually get a lot of strikes. It’s hard for me though and sometimes it goes in the gutter, lol!

The acting overall is pretty poor and I found the main characters moustache to be really distracting. Every time he spoke the moustache would move up and down and it made his lower lip seem to stick out further than it was supposed to. It was too much to handle and I kept thinking about if the moustache smelled bad. I don’t want to have to stare at a stinky moustache for over two hours! I can’t grow a moustache but I’m trying. Some people like my mom and dad keep telling me to shave it because I look “creepy and weird”. Will Smith was right, parents just don’t understand!

Also, the movie is over TWO HOURS. Halfway through I was getting pretty anxious and I went out into the lobby to get a refill of my popcorn and soda, that’s how long it was! Anyways I went out there and it was a pretty long line. There were lots of people at the movies and I tried to get to the front because I had already paid for my popcorn before. And then this guy started yelling at me! It was a very bad experience and then when I went back into the movie after standing in line for ten minutes the characters were at a completely different location. I didn’t make any sense and it was just overall pretty confusing. I definitely have to dock it some points for that.

Overall I was severely disappointed with There Will Be Blood and would not recommend it to anyone!

Geoffrey the Giraffe Ruins Children's Dreams, or "My Work History"

I just wikipedia’d pringles. That’s something that I just did. Nobody in the history of the world has ever wanted to know about the history of pringles. It remains a mystery as to who actually wrote the wikipedia page. But I just read it.  Halfway through the article I realized that I had already wikipedia’d pringles earlier in my lifetime. That’s how bored I am right now, and what scares me more is that I’ve been this bored before. And now, because of my utter boredom I am writing a blog about it. If someone had a camera on me all day at work it would be the best/worst thing ever made. I think people would be mesmerized by what I do out of sheer boredom on a day-to-day basis. One time, a coworker told me to stop using post-its because it was hurting the environment. So now I use post-its for almost anything that pops into my head. And then I stick them everywhere around my desk.  One of them reads, “Twelve Bagels”, because I was simply thinking to myself one day about what the maximum amount of bagels I could consume without vomiting everywhere was. I do this not to spite her, but out of complete boredom. And this, in some way, brings joy to my day.

My job isn’t the worst place I’ve ever worked. It’s just really really boring.  When I was fifteen I worked at a Chik-Fil-A as a cashier. That was where I learned that the world is full of terrible, stupid people. Or terribly stupid people. Or both. It is shocking how stupid people are. Once, a lady came up to me. This was a normal looking lady. She was not insane. She did not have a pack of sixteen cats following her around. She was not wearing a garbage bag and a tinfoil hat. She was just a normal, middle-aged woman. She came up to me and in all seriousness asked, “What’s the difference between the chicken strips, and the chicken nuggets?”

I blinked a few times and responded, “Uhhh, the strips are these long...Strips,” Motioning with my hand, as if I was holding a large chicken strip, “And the nuggets are...little round nuggets of chicken,” I made a little circle with my thumb and index finger.

She got very angry at my response and demanded to speak with my manager. Later, he came up to me and scolded me for talking down to a customer.  I facepalmed so hard my hand went through my face and out the back of my head towards the edge of the universe.

That job was pretty terrible. I eventually just quit coming to work because I didn’t feel like it. Little did I know, that would be pretty much how I quit every single job I’d ever have.

Soon after, I moved to the wonderful world of retail. Just kidding, it wasn’t wonderful at all. It was just as terrible as one would think. People yelling at you because the store is sold out of something. Or sneaky customers trying to slap a $0.99 sticker on a $50 dollar item.

I used to work at a large toy-store chain. My particular store was a sort of mega-store. We cut children’s hair, had our own little candy store, and we also threw birthday parties on the weekends. Parents would leave their children with one of our party leaders and they would run around the store, dancing and singing. Afterwards, they would end up in one of the party rooms where they would indulge in pizza and sodas.

It was kind of cute seeing all these happy children running around the store. The only bad part was that during the party, our mascot, Geoffrey the Giraffe would make an appearance. It was this huge giraffe costume, probably 8 feet tall. Whichever poor soul got chosen that day to go to the party had to dress  up in this really stinky costume. The bottom portion was really wide, complete with hoof slippers. This made it difficult to walk. The upper-half was this giant giraffe head that had to be worn. There was a little mesh grate in the neck portion that one was supposed to be able to see out of, but it was pretty difficult. So usually the person in the suit would be stumbling all around the store and knocking everything over.

One saturday I’m told to go put the suit on and head over to the party room.

“Great,” I thought. I changed and made my way to the front of the store and entered the room. The kids all gasped and started screaming in delight. I waved my hands and danced around in a circle. They all laughed. Everything was going great.

A few minutes in, this little girl, maybe 8 or 9 walked up to me holding her little baby sister was only a few months old.  She walked up to me, arms outstretched, and offered me the kid. I instinctively took the child from her. She then turned around and walked away.

Now, the giraffe costume also had these hoof mitten things that I had to wear. They were huge and bulky and made it difficult to grasp anything.. So I was standing there, arms outstretched holding this little baby. I had no idea what to do. And worse, the child was starting to slip from my hold. I frantically looked around, trying to get one of my coworkers attention, but they were all busy dealing with the party. It kept slipping.

At thas point, I had two choices:

A) let the baby slip from my grasp, thus, ruining the party.

or B) yell for help, breaking the illusion that there was, in fact, a giant dancing giraffe in the party with them.

I chose option B, and yelled, “Can someone take this baby?!”

The room fell silent. All the children were looking at me. Me, with this baby in my awkward hooves. My coworker ran over to me and took the child. Kids began to cry. I try dancing but it did wasn’t doing any good.

I quickly turned and exited the room. I stumbled my way to the break room at the back of the store, ignoring customers and their children as they tried to get my attention. After I undress and put back on my work uniform, my manager came in and told me that I was NEVER to handle a child.  Needles to say I was never asked to dress up as a giraffe ever again.

I left that job after my manager accused me of stealing from the register, which wasn’t true. I secretly believe she was the one stealing from it, and pinning it on me.

So now, as I sit in my cubicle amongst a sea of post-it notes and filing cabinets, I can feel a little better about the worst part of my job, boredom. It’s really not that bad. Sure, I leave work every day with a little part of my soul gone. And I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m growing stupider by the second, from lack of exercising my brain muscles. But at least I don’t have to deal with stupid questions or dress up as a giraffe. And that, is a very good thing.

Chapter 7: Use Lots of Exclamation Marks

When being a billionaire and managing all the day-to-day activities of your company, it is important to remember that sometimes people can get in bad moods. The worst possible thing for any multi-billion dollar organization is for any of its members to be sourpusses. The best way to address this issue is to send out a cheerful email to all of your employees using lots of exclamation points. It has been scientifically proven that the more exclamation points you use in an email, the happier everyone gets.

Here is an example of an email without exclamation points:

Good Morning,

It is with heavy heart that I am to inform you of your terminal disease.  You have only a few hours left to live. I wish I could have informed you earlier but my address book with your contact information was misplaced under a pile of newspaper clippings. My assistant was tasked with finding me various ways to save on groceries and fast-food, and apparently she left the excess coupons on top of my desk and I failed to see my contacts underneath. Not to worry, she has now been tasked with finding me one of those ‘smart phones’ so that I may carry my contact information with me all day every day. It truly is an amazing futuristic world we live in.

Best Regards,

Dr. Miller

Now, the above email contains approximately zero exclamation marks. I’m sure that if you were to receive that correspondence you would be fairly upset, and not in the cheeriest of moods.

Here is an example of an email with many exclamation points:

Well hey there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON EVER!!!!!!

With Warm, Sensuous Love,

Penelope Cruz

I am certain that if you were to receive that email, whether you were a male or female, you would feel a euphoric sense of joy. This is mainly due to the high amount of exclamation points at the end of every sentence.

Many people might tell you that the excessive use of exclamation points is unprofessional, and actually quite irritating. Some may inform you that it is actually putting them in a worse mood. It is important to remember this mantra that should be constantly running through your head all day every day.  It is called ‘The Billionaire’s Mantra’ and it goes like this:

“$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$”

That is the sound of an opening register ringing over and over again. This is something that should always be stuck in your head, even when you don’t want it to be. So let’s say someon comes up to you and says:

“Hey, excuse me. Your emails are so filled with exclamation points that it is becoming increasingly difficult to understand anything of what you are trying to tell me. It has become so troublesome and strange that I literally get emails from you filled with thousands upon thousands of exclamation points, and nothing else. Even the subject line just has about 40 exclamation points in them.  Now, I am your accountant, and need to know how to balance our budget for the next fiscal year, so please could you just send me that information instead of all these exclamation points?”

Everything that employee of yours just said should have gone unnoticed to you, because your head is filled with that ringing cash register. Furthermore, you should probably fire that employee for wasting your time with frivolous things. Time is money, afterall.

NOTE: I have provided a cassette tape with the sound on a continuous loop for you to wear every night before you go to bed. This will help in the transition process.

Can you taste that? It’s the sweet taste of success that you have almost reached. Only a few more steps to go. Soon, you will find yourself a billionaire!