I Don't Like Your Baby

I Don’t Like Your Baby

I’ve got some really bad news for you. Some soul-crushing news. Yes, you, with the baby. The one that keeps shoving your child’s life in my face. Are you sitting down? Okay, here it goes. I don’t care about your baby. I don’t think it’s cute in any way. No matter how many times you share a photo of your newborn with me, I will never find it adorable. Because it’s not my baby, it’s yours. It’s that same feeling I get when someone tells me about a REALLY good meal they had.

“Oh my god! I just had the best ramen! It was so good, but there was so much of it. I couldn’t even finish the whole bowl! Wow, it had eggs, and all these goodies in it. It was so good!”

Yum

Really? I’m really happy for you, but I honestly don’t care one bit about what you ate, because you see, I didn’t eat it. I didn’t taste any of the food that you enjoyed.

Did I just compare your baby to a bowl of delicious ramen? Yes. Yes I did. I’m sure you love your child. And I honestly believe that you think it is the most beautiful baby to ever grace the planet earth. But I don’t love your baby. I probably think your baby is ugly. It would be weird if I loved your baby as much as you do. It would be even weirder if I had as much enthusiasm for your baby photos as you do. Don’t you think?

Here’s what is acceptable to post on your instagram, or facebook, or whatever, when it comes to your baby:

1) A baby less than 3 days old - Did you just have a child? That’s a beautiful, wonderful thing. It’s a gift from the heavens and you should share it with the world. Make phone calls, send picture messages, put it up on the internet. Congratulations are definitely in order.

What you shouldn’t do: Post 45 pictures of your newborn child to instagram. They all pretty much look exactly the same. And after the 27th photo you are running the risk of annoying everyone. Look, it’s fine to take a billion pictures of your baby, but just put them in a scrapbook or something.

Meh

2) Birthday’s/Holidays - Is it your baby’s 1st birthday. Are they trying to eat cake but getting the frosting all over their face? That’s so cute! Take a snap and post that mofo ASAP. Is it Christmas morning, and did your baby just attempt to open up a little gift from ol’ Saint Nick? Lovely, shoot me an email with that cute little booger!

What you shouldn’t do: Is your baby eating something at any other point than on its’ birthday? Might want to think twice before sharing that with the world. The amount of enthusiasm I have for seeing your child eating is about the same amount of enthusiasm I have for watching anyone else in the world eat. Again, snap as many photos as you want. Save them to your computer, put them in a photo album. I would do the same thing. But I wouldn’t flood the internet with 12 photos of my baby eating spaghetti. Because first of all, it’s gross.

Nope.

3) Graduation - Is your baby no longer a baby, but instead graduating from college? Great! It’s been about 25 years since I’ve last seen a relevant picture of your child, and I’m really interested in what he or she has been up to. Also, congrats! Graduating from college is a pretty big deal!

I apologize if I have offended you. It was not my intention. I just thought you should be aware of the hundreds of people you are annoying on a daily basis with all of the pictures of your baby. Think of it as a public service announcement. Let’s say you’re walking around all day with a giant shit stain on the back of your pants. Wouldn’t you want someone to let you know that there is something pretty embarrassing back there? Of course you would.