Chapter 7: Use Lots of Exclamation Marks

When being a billionaire and managing all the day-to-day activities of your company, it is important to remember that sometimes people can get in bad moods. The worst possible thing for any multi-billion dollar organization is for any of its members to be sourpusses. The best way to address this issue is to send out a cheerful email to all of your employees using lots of exclamation points. It has been scientifically proven that the more exclamation points you use in an email, the happier everyone gets.

Here is an example of an email without exclamation points:

Good Morning,

It is with heavy heart that I am to inform you of your terminal disease.  You have only a few hours left to live. I wish I could have informed you earlier but my address book with your contact information was misplaced under a pile of newspaper clippings. My assistant was tasked with finding me various ways to save on groceries and fast-food, and apparently she left the excess coupons on top of my desk and I failed to see my contacts underneath. Not to worry, she has now been tasked with finding me one of those ‘smart phones’ so that I may carry my contact information with me all day every day. It truly is an amazing futuristic world we live in.

Best Regards,

Dr. Miller

Now, the above email contains approximately zero exclamation marks. I’m sure that if you were to receive that correspondence you would be fairly upset, and not in the cheeriest of moods.

Here is an example of an email with many exclamation points:

Well hey there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON EVER!!!!!!

With Warm, Sensuous Love,

Penelope Cruz

I am certain that if you were to receive that email, whether you were a male or female, you would feel a euphoric sense of joy. This is mainly due to the high amount of exclamation points at the end of every sentence.

Many people might tell you that the excessive use of exclamation points is unprofessional, and actually quite irritating. Some may inform you that it is actually putting them in a worse mood. It is important to remember this mantra that should be constantly running through your head all day every day.  It is called ‘The Billionaire’s Mantra’ and it goes like this:

“$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$”

That is the sound of an opening register ringing over and over again. This is something that should always be stuck in your head, even when you don’t want it to be. So let’s say someon comes up to you and says:

“Hey, excuse me. Your emails are so filled with exclamation points that it is becoming increasingly difficult to understand anything of what you are trying to tell me. It has become so troublesome and strange that I literally get emails from you filled with thousands upon thousands of exclamation points, and nothing else. Even the subject line just has about 40 exclamation points in them.  Now, I am your accountant, and need to know how to balance our budget for the next fiscal year, so please could you just send me that information instead of all these exclamation points?”

Everything that employee of yours just said should have gone unnoticed to you, because your head is filled with that ringing cash register. Furthermore, you should probably fire that employee for wasting your time with frivolous things. Time is money, afterall.

NOTE: I have provided a cassette tape with the sound on a continuous loop for you to wear every night before you go to bed. This will help in the transition process.

Can you taste that? It’s the sweet taste of success that you have almost reached. Only a few more steps to go. Soon, you will find yourself a billionaire!