The Tale of Bob
One day Bob woke up with no arms or legs. He was merely a head atop his shoulders. It was very unpleasant but Bob had to get to work, so he rolled out of bed and rolled all the way to his job.
“You’re late,” said Jeff, Bob’s boss.
“Yeah I’m sorry, but I woke up with no arms and legs, so I had to roll all the way to work.”
Jeff shot Bob an angry stare, “Yeah, you’re covered in mud, and you aren’t wearing any pants! I’m going to have to write you up for this. One more incident and I’ll have you fired.” Jeff huffed and walked back to his corner office.
How am I supposed to put on pants without any arms, and where are the pants supposed to go anyways? Bob rolled to his cubicle and looked up at his chair. He sighed, “Can someone help me onto my chair please?” His co-workers ignored him as they continued about their day. “Excuse me! I need help getting onto my chair!”
Jeff stomped over to Bob’’s desk, “Bob, what’s all this commotion for?!”
“Nobody will help me!” Bob’s voice squealed.
“You’re fired you stupid baby!”
And so Bob was fired. There was lots of important things on his desk that he would have liked to pack up and take home, but unfortunately he didn’t have any arms or legs. And nobody wanted to help him, so he left all his belongings there.
Bob was sad. He rolled outside and started to cry. Tears ran down his face and snot ran out his nose. But he didn’t have any arms, and could therefore not wipe away any of the tears or snot. Soon, Bob’s face became covered in a mixture of snot and tears.
A garbage man walking by took one look at Bob and picked him up and threw him in his dumpster truck, mistaking Bob for a dirty tissue paper.
“What are you doing?” Cried Bob. “I’m not garbage!”
The garbage man glanced down, “Sheesh, my therapist is right. I am going bonkers. I thought I just heard this piece of dirty tissue talk to me!” He chuckled and tossed Bob into the back of his truck.
Bob rode for two hours on a pile of soiled diapers. The smell was putrid. Flies were buzzing around his face. Soon, the truck came to a stop and the garbage man opened up the truck and began throwing all the garbage into the river. He picked up bags and bags of trash, and one by one dumped the contents out. He get to Bob and picked him up.
“Please don’t throw me in the river!” Bob’s eyes were wide with terror.
The garbage man screamed and dropped him to the ground. “What in the world?!”
Bob coughed, “I’m not garbage! I’m a man and I woke up today with no arms or legs!”
The garbage man smiled, “Yeah okay. Whatever you say, Tissue.” He leaned over and picked him up. “I guess I’m losing my marbles, but I’ll take you home with me.” Bob was placed in the passenger seat of the truck and they both sped away.
“Excuse me, but could you just drop me off at home?” Bob asked.
The garbage man whistled.
“Did you hear me? I said could you just drop me off at home?”
He glanced over, “You’re my new best friend, Tissue. Me and you will have so many memories.”
Bob was getting nervous, “Why do you keep calling me Tissue? My name is Bob!”
“Tissue, Tissue, my best friend! Tissue, Tissue, best friends til the end!” The garbage man sang. He was slapping the steering wheel to the beat of the song. His head was bouncing from side to side as he sang. “Tissue Bob, that’s his name! Tissue Bob, and he’s my friend!”
Bob squirmed in his seat but could do nothing as he was strapped in with the seatbelt. “Please, sir!”
The garbage man punched Bob square in the face. “Shut up tissue!”
Bob awoke in a haze. His head was pounding. He was lying on an old, yellow-stained couch. “H-hello?” Bob’s voice was weak. He looked around. It was a small living room. The plaid wallpaper was peeling to reveal rotting wooden panels. An old television was playing an endless broadcast of static. It was warm, and there was a sweet, sour smell in the air.
Someone’s footsteps could be heard thumping closer. Bob looked up to see the Garbage man walking out wearing nothing but stained white underwear. His large gut protruded over the elastic band. A trail of hair grew down his front. He was carrying a video cassette tape in one hand and scratching at the crotch of his underwear with the other. A fuzzy ball of pubic hair was bursting out through the sides.
“Why hello there, Tissue! Are you ready for our first adventure?” The garbage man grumbled as he walked up to the television.
“Let me go! I’ve told you a million times my name is BOB and i’m a MAN!” Bob was squirming to and fro.
The garbage man put in the video and flipped through the channels. “Mmmhm, now let me see...” A clear image of four large erect penises popped on the screen. “There we go tissue, now it’s time for our adventure.” He dug into his underwear and began violently mashing at his crotch.
Bob screamed.
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