How to Make a Billion Dollars - The Final Chapter

The Final Chapter

Congratulations, you've almost made it! There’s only one last step to becoming a wealthy, independent billionaire. All you need to do is take the final test to prove that you have truly absorbed the knowledge given to you in this book, and applied it to your real life.  Then, and only then, will you be capable of making a billion dollars. I can feel how excited you are, and it’s making me very excited. Too excited, actually. I can hardly write this I’m so excited. Please calm down so that I can finish this chapter. No, seriously, calm down right now. Okay, that’s better.

Now, for the test. It is a single, multiple choice question. If you get it right, you will know you have the heart of a billionaire. Simple, right? Easy, right? I think so. But if you get it wrong, god forbid, you will be a complete and utter failure. So don’t get it wrong, okay? I will provide the correct answer at the end of this chapter. Okay here it goes.

Final Test

A wise man once said, “Hey! Can you come shake this spider outta my boot?! There’s a spider in my boot and last week I got stung by a big ass fuckin’ bee! Can you believe that? A bee flew in there and stung me right on my big toe.  Heh, I guess that’s whatcha get when you don’t check your boots. Hey Hun, you hear me?! There’s this big ass spider in my- Oh wait, nevermind it’s just a gummi worm.  Nevermind babe.’

‘How the hell did a gummi worm get in my fuckin’ boot? Damn, I really gotta get my eyes checked. Fuckin’ Billy must’ve been messin’ ‘round in my candy stash again. Hey Billy! You been messin’ ‘round in my candy stash again?! I told you last week no more messin’ ‘round in there! You ate all my fuckin’ Rolos and I was savin’ em for a special occasion. And now I found one of my gummi worms in my fuckin’ boot. Those things cost three bucks and I don’t want ‘em goin’ to waste. You hear me Billy!’

‘You givin’ me the fuckin stink eye now?! Hey hun, Billy’s givin’ me the fuckin’ stink eye! Yeah, that’s right Billy. I just told her you were givin’ me the stink eye. I’ll wipe that fuckin’ eye right off your face, you ever give me that look again. Alright, I’m off to work. Just gotta slip on these here boots and I’ll be- OUCH! Godamnit! Somethin’ really did bite me this time. Let me check my boots. Oh no. Oh dear lord no. Hey babe, call an am-bu-lance! A fuckin’ stink bug just stung me on my foot. Oh lord the world is spinnin’. Who the hell is allergic to fuckin’ stink bugs anyways? Oh lord I can feel my face swellin’ up now. Billy, don’t just stand there laughin’ and pointin’. Go into the bathroom and grab my pills. Hurry Billy, you fat sumbitch!’

‘I can’t breathe, my throats gone-done swelled up. Lord I can’t hardly breathe! Hey hun, tell ‘em to hurry up. I can’t hardly breathe and fuckin’ Billy ran off with my pills. Damn the world is spinnin’.  My eyes are all swelled up. I can’t see no more! Fuckin’ stink bugs. My minds goin’ all fuzzy. Hey….babe...tell my parents...I...love...’

Question: How overweight was Billy?

(please circle only one)

A) Mildly Obese

B) Severely Obese

C) Malnourished

D) Healthy young boy

E) Healthy Mildly Obese young boy

F) Severely healthy

G) Severely Boy

H) Proper weight

I) both A and B

J) Both F and G

K) Both I and J

L) All of the above

M) None of the above

N) Both L and M

O) 65 Pounds

So How Did You Do?

The correct answer is ‘F’ - Severely Healthy.  Did you get it right? If you did, it means you cheated, and cheaters never prosper. Sorry my friend, but you are a failure. Did you get it wrong? You clearly aren't ready for the exciting life that a Billionaire would live. I’m sorry to say, but you are a failure.

Unfortunately, that is all the knowledge I can give you. If you haven’t learned how to make a billion dollars by now, you never will. You’ll just have to cope with the fact that you are a failure. But that’s okay! Because, as fate would see it, I have also written a great book, ‘How to Cope With Being a Failure’. And you can purchase it for the low, low price of only $300.00! What are you waiting for?? Operators are standing by!

2013 and Boxer-Briefs

Revelations

The biggest revelation I had in the year 2013 was that boxers are not an acceptable undergarment for a male in his mid-late 20’s. This news came as a shock to me. How many girls have been secretly laughing at me this whole time whenever I disrobe? How many girls have been judging me based on my choice of underwear? Well, actually I can tell you how many girls and it’s really not that many at all. My second biggest revelation of 2013 is that boxer-briefs make me look way more in-shape than I actually am. Where as boxers make me look at the same time overweight and malnourished, boxer-briefs somehow transform my strange body into what I imagine Channing Tatum looks like with his pants off.  

Pictured Above: Me in Boxer-Briefs

2013 was also the year that I went from being a poor college student, to a poor college graduate. And I must say, after all is said and done, it definitely feels pretty much exactly the same. Except now when I see trailers for movies based off of Jane Austen novels, I’m slightly more excited about them.

Regarding Love

I saw one of my best friends get married, and I realized that weddings aren’t that bad after all, as long as you have a trunk full of booze that you can run away to every hour, on the hour.  

At the wedding, I gave a glorious speech to a crowd of close friends and family members of the couple. In my drunken haze I stood up, grabbed the microphone, and slurred exactly this:

Travis and me were roommates once.  One time I got home from work and looked in the pantry and realized that we were all out of ramen.  Thank you.  

The speech was met with confused applause.  

As for me, I went on approximately 2 and ¾ dates.  Once, I took a girl out for sushi, another time i took a girl out for pizza. And then 3 other times I went out for drinks, and was unsure as to whether or not they were actually dates.  All in all, it was a pretty good year for love.

Fairly accurate depiction of me at a bar

Life Changes and The Future

I vacuumed my room once. That was pretty intense. I forgot how loud vacuum cleaners were. This year I plan on vacuuming at least twice.  Because I’m getting older, and mature adults vacuum their rooms.  I also bought a pair of socks that weren’t solid black, or solid white. It was a very confusing experience as I paced the sock wall of American Apparel. I later had to ask my friend if there was such a thing as ‘guys socks and girls socks’.  

Exactly what I was looking for

My New Year’s Resolution was going to be to spend money more wisely. Or to get in shape. Or to stop drinking as much. But those are such bullshit resolutions, and I know it. So my resolution is actually something private that I am not going to share with the world. And when I say, ‘the world’, I mean the 17 people that are going to read this.