Mark was sitting eating a salad one Monday afternoon when he went to take a bite of his carrot. He brought the stalk up to his mouth and bit down.
“Ouch!”
Alarmed, Mark dropped the carrot on the table and looked down.
“Why are you biting me? Why would you ever bite a living thing like that?”
Mark stared down at a large talking carrot. His eyes were wide. “How are you talking to me? Are you some sort of magical carrot?”
“Yes, I am a magical carrot, and I will grant you five wishes.”
This made Mark very happy for he had never met a magical carrot before, and also because he didn’t have any friends. “Well my first wish is for you to be my best friend in the whole world!”
The carrot twisted and shook. Tiny sparks flew out the top of its head. It gasped, “Your wish has been granted.”
“And what should I call you?”
“Just call me Carrot.”
Overjoyed, Mark took Carrot and gave him the biggest hug he had ever given anyone, or anything, in his entire life. “We shall have the most fun in the entire world, Carrot! First things first, I think we should go get something to eat.”
So off they went, Mark and Carrot, to go eat at the fanciest restaurant Mark could afford. Which was the local soup kitchen. Mark didn’t have a job, or any money. He just didn’t possess the social skills to obtain any sort of job whatsoever.
Carrot looked around at the old, stinky soup kitchen. “Wait, so this is where we’re eating?
Mark felt ashamed, “Yes, Carrot. It’s all that I can afford. But the soup here is just swell! You should try the chicken noodle soup, oh my! it’s so scrumptious.”
“You know, Mark, you could uh, just wish for a billion dollars...”
He wasn’t listening though. Instead, Mark was staring at all the delicious soups he could choose from. There was chicken noodle, pea soup, tomato soup. The choices seemed endless. “Wow Carrot, have you ever seen so many soups? I wish all I could ever eat was soups for the rest of my life!”
Carrot twisted and shook. Tiny sparks flew out the top of its head. It gasped, “Your wish has been granted.”
“Wait what? That wasn’t a wish!”
“You said ‘I wish’. It’s a wish Mark. Now shut up and lets eat.”
“Well, I guess it is a pretty swell wish. Now I can eat soup all I want!
They walked up to the counter. A large, sweaty, balding man was waiting to take their order. “Whadya want?” He said, as snot dripped out of his nose.
“Well, I’ll take a bowl of your chicken noodle soup please. And Carrot, what would you like? I’m buyin’” Mark winked at Carrot.
It sighed, “The pea soup I suppose.”
The fat man wiped the snot from his nose with the back of his hand and grumbled, “Ya want bread?”
Mark squealed like a schoolgirl and clapped his hands, “Oh yes! Bread would be just great. Thank you sir!”
The two went and sat at a table next to a smelly homeless person. “Mind if we join you?” Mark said.
The homeless man let out a large fart.
“I’ll take that as a yes!” Mark dug into his soup, swallowing it by the spoonful. He picked up the bowl and slurped the remainder down his throat and went for the moldy bread. “My, this bread is delicious!”
Carrot stared up at Mark, not eating a thing.
Mark felt a stinging pain in his stomach. He grabbed it and fell to the floor. “Owwwww, my tum tum! It hurts!”
“You wished that you could only eat soup for the rest of your life.”
Sweat was dripping down Mark’s face, “What? That’s not fair! That’s not what I meant at all!”
The homeless man let out another long fart.
“Fair is fair, Mark. Carrot floated above Mark, who was now shaking on the floor, “Your body is unable to digest that bread that you just ate. It doesn’t know what to do with it.”
Mark’s eyes widened, “Well make it stop!”
Short, staccato farts burst from the homeless man. The smell was putrid.
“Sir, could you please stop farting right in my face?!”
The homeless man grinned, “What’s the matter boy? Don’t like the smell of my ass?”
The aroma was making Mark’s head spin, “No, in fact I don’t. They smell like death to me!”
“Smell like a dozen roses to me, boy,” the man started to laugh.
“I wish you could smell your own farts the way I smell your nasty farts you sick old man!”
Carrot twisted and shook. Sparks flew from the top of its head. “Your wish has been granted.”
Suddenly, the homeless man grabbed at his throat. “What’s that smell?” He stood up and stumbled around the kitchen. He waived his hands in front of his face as one long, continuous fart spilled from the man’s ass. “I. Can’t. Breathe!” He fell to the ground and lay still.
Mark looked at Carrot, “What is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with you? You were the one that wished it, not me.” Carrot floated down and sat upon Mark’s forehead. “Now, you should probably do something about that stomach situation. I fear it might be fatal.”
“Fine! I wish I could digest bread,” He spoke through clenched teeth. “AND I wish you were dead!”
Carrot twisted and shook. Sparks flew from the top of its head. “Your wishes have been granted,” And then, just like that, Carrot toppled over, motionless.
Mark’s stomach immediately felt better. He picked Carrot off the ground and got to his feet. “Fuck you Carrot, you piece of shit.” Mark took Carrot by the stalk and ate him whole. “Now, you will be nothing but shit.”
Mark walked back to his home. He was almost there when suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his stomach. “Owwwwwww!” Mark fell to the ground and rolled into a ball. “My tum tum, what’s wrong with it?” He could hear laughter coming from inside his stomach.
Carrot burst from his chest, spraying blood in every direction. He floated above Mark’s pale face. “Hello there Mark.”
“How, how are you...” Blood gurgled up from his throat.
“Oh, well you wished that you could digest bread. But that doesn’t mean you can digest CARROTS!
Mark couldn’t speak. Blood filled his mouth and spilled from his lips. He stared up at Carrot who was floating just above him.
“And you also wished that I was dead. And I WAS dead. I was dead before I was alive, so technically your wish has come true.” Carrot jammed his body into Mark’s eyes. He stabbed at them over and over. But Mark was already dead.
“Fuck you Mark.” Carrot laughed as he floated off into the sunset.
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