Chapter 6: Be Pro-Gay
My publisher told me this chapter was a little too controversial and that... aww, who am I fooling? I don’t even have a publisher. How did this book get published then, you ask? Well, I hate to break it to you but what you’re looking at isn’t a book at all. It’s called a “computer screen.” The fact that it took you six chapters into this blog for you to figure it out astounds me.
Anywhoo, in this day and age it’s important to retain a cheerful, happy disposition. People want to see a company that can really brighten their day. Be pro-gay. The general public is sick and tired of the doom and gloom, and any chance for them to be gay should be applauded. Would you rather see sad people, or people with a huge gay smile on their face? That’s what I thought.
At this point you may be a little confused as to which definition of gay I’m talking about. Well, to help clarify this point and make it far less ambiguous I have concockted a few scenarios in which you could demonstrate your pro-gay stance.
SCENARIO 1:
You are at the beach wearing a speedo. While passing out rainbow flyers of your up-and-coming business a man starts to scream. It seems that a shark has bit him in half and he’s washed up on shore, still mildly conscious. You run over to him, take off your speedo, and shove it into his mouth. This mutes his piercing screams and he dies in silence, choking on your less-than-sanitary swimwear.
At this point you turn to the crowd of bystanders and pronounce “Everything is okay people! I just wanted everyone to have a gay time and this man was ruining it!”
You may or may not be arrested for indecent exposure, but you showed the world that your company will not let anything get in the way of public gayness.
SCENARIO 2:
You are at a bar full of men to promote your up-and-coming business. All of a sudden a fight breaks out and bottles start flying. Slaps are being thrown and hair is being tugged. At this point you stand up with a frown on your face and scream to the crowd “Can’t we all just get along?!”
Few people take notice, and the people that do begin throwing pool balls in your face. You have balls flying at you from all directions. Balls are slapping you on the forehead, and a few balls even land in your mouth.
Saddened and bruised you sit back at the bar and drop a roofie into your drink. Soon after you down the beer you begin to feel a little funny. A large gay smile spreads across your face and you again stand up to the crowd.
“Can’t we all flust shit abong?!”, you kind of sort of say just before you pass out.
You remember little from the night before and your ass is a little sore, but you can be sure that you made the night just a little gayer.
SCENARIO 3:
You are laying naked in a bed with another man. You have just been roofied but you don’t remember how and this makes you very angry. All you wanted to do was promote your up-and-coming business.
All of a sudden the man next to you wakes up and fondles your penis. You immediately turn the opposite of sad, and become extremely gay.
You are now very much turned on and you turn and lick the sweaty man's neck. He moans in pleasure and firmly grabs your ass. At this point you reach down beneath the sheets and begin to tickle the large, hairy man’s bal--------
DUE TO UNSAVORY CONTENT, THE REMAINDER OF THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED OR REMOVED AT THE WILL OF THE PUBLISHER. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
