Chapter 5: Calm Down, Freak.
This chapter was originally reserved to speak of the follies of taking risks, however my tractor-trailer home burned down along with all of my belongings. I originally lived in a normal trailer but became increasingly paranoid about the possibility of it burning down. So I sold the lot and moved into an abandoned tractor-trailer. Unfortunately what I thought was a tractor-trailer was actually just a cardboard cutout of a tractor-trailer. Long-story short, the thing burned up, along with all of my previous chapters.
In the business they call this ‘winging it’. I wish i could further explain what ‘winging it’ means, however that chapter burned up in the fire as well.
If you’re upset about this, calm down, freak. Should you feel cheated out of any knowledge you would have gained about making a billion dollars? Maybe. Are you irritated that the title of this chapter is insulting you? Perhaps. But just calm down. And before you completely ‘lose it’, let me warn you about a few other things. Billionaires never ‘flip their shit’, so i’m just going to lay this all out for you nicely.
1. This book is over 3,000 pages long. If you look past page 27 you’ll probably notice about 2,973 completely blank pages. This was a decision I made to have the book appear larger and more substantial than it actually is. To make yourself feel better about this I have designated those pages as “a place to jot down important thoughts/ideas”. Because after all, there are probably a lot of ideas that you haven’t jotted down yet.
(Note: The second and third editions of this book have comically large font to fill up the allotted 3,000 pages. If you would like to receive additional blank pages, those can be purchased for the low cost of $500.00 plus shipping and handling).
1-A. If you are listening to this on audiobook, you may believe me to have a strange and annoying speech impediment that forces me to speak at an incredibly slow pace. That last sentence alone took about 7 minutes for me to say. This was a decision I had to make because otherwise the audiobook would only fit on one side of a cassette tape. I chose to digitally slow down the recording to 50x the normal rate so that it would span twelve cassette tapes. The more tapes, the higher the price. Most walkmen have the ability to fast forward. Just hold that baby (button) down if you get impatient.
2. I farted really bad while writing chapter 2. It happened just as I was beginning to write. When the stench hit my nostrils it threw me into a sort of trance and made me nauseous. I remember vomitting on my keyboard and passing out. When I came to I found that I had produced an entire chapter along with a few hundred pages of “hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. I chose, wisely, to delete the letters my face had mashed onto the page but kept the chapter. I can’t necessarily vouch for any advice given during my gaseous state. What I can say, however, is that I learned never to eat week old burritos that have been laying on the floor of my trailer. And you can take that to the bank (where you will be keeping your billions of dollars).
3. This book cost you $300.00. You already know this. But just sit and let that really sink in. What book in the history of the world has cost someone 300.00? Well, this book. And maybe some rare collectors items. This is just a normal how-to book that I chose to randomly cost $300.00 out of sheer greed. Honestly, you could find better information on Google or Yahoo!. What were you thinking? Are you an idiot? I know because you bought my book you are too stupid to realize how angry you should be at this. In a moment you’ll probably forget this entire chapter. What’s more likely is that you can’t read. You’re sitting at Arby’s trying to impress the cashier by reading a really thick book. Well, good for me. Not you, but me.
If any of this is really pushing your buttons you’re not following my advice and will never make a billion dollars. And isn’t that what it’s really all about? Seriously. Calm down, freak.
